I'm seriously considering a relationship. My attitude toward men has come full circle and I think I'm ready to surrender to my husband's authority...I have a lot of questions at the end of this post!
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In my early teens, I was considered, by my perfect-looking family, to be moody and difficult. I was an angry person and got into drugs and alcohol in my early teens. I also quickly figured out quite early how to work the boys to get my needs for attention and chemicals met. My promiscuity and drug addiction brought me to my knees in 1989 at just 22 years of age. At that point in my life, I had no remaining dignity or self-respect. I began my journey into recovery then. While my body got clean from chemicals, I continued, for several months, to degrade myself by sleeping around. I was emotionally and spiritually empty.
As I became more lucid, did more reading and surrounded myself with a healthier, more mature crowd, I discovered feminism. I subscribed to Ms. Magazine and contributed to the N.O.W. I was angry at myself for allowing men to use me for all those years and I was angry at myself for allowing it to happen. I was angry at every man for every minor indiscretion they may have committed. If a guy held the door for me, I would seethe, not knowing the first thing about the difference between someone being nice and someone hitting on me!
Two or three years later, I slowly swung back to the center. I had developed into a confident, self-respecting, intelligent woman who knew exactly what she wanted and would not back down from anything. At the same time, I began to appreciate the differences that men brought to a relationship and recognize that, while it infuriated me at times, I was certainly drawn to masculine (usually emotionally reserved) men. I would no longer be caught making derogatory remarks about men in general and no longer took off color remarks from men personally.
I was just over three years clean when I got married. My husband and I had two children right in a row and we fought a lot. His energy level is much lower than mine and I’ve always felt so frustrated about this, calling him lazy. He is also quite reticent, which I have interpreted as insensitive and passive-aggressive. Having had an extremely independent, intelligent and overbearing mother, he learned early that being non-responsive was a far better weapon than speaking up. He would torture me with indifference while I verbally abused him with insults and sarcasm. He has a tendency to avoid friction at any cost, so he often lets me have the last word and/or have my way. He always says that I am never satisfied and I always thought that if he were just a bit more thoughtful, he would see how satisfied I would be. We came close to divorce twice. We’ve been together for thirteen years. He is gentle and very respectful of my privacy and my need for social interaction.
Recently, I have started reading articles at takeninhand.com and have read The Surrendered Wife by Laura Doyle. At any other point in my history, the information contained would have brought up rage in me and definitely turned me off. I would submit to no other human! I first began to read about relationships because I’ve always wanted to be dominated sexually and the very idea of being spanked is extremely erotic to me. What happened to me when I started to really read the posts and Laura Doyle’s book is that I found some very rational points within. I have surrendered to drugs, to alcohol, and to nicotine only to have my life improve tenfold. Why not my husband?
I began to be more respectful to my husband. For the past ten days, I’ve kept a journal of my progress. I’ve refrained from controlling him, took care not to use sarcasm or interfere with his parenting of our children. I’ve said “yes” to sex. When I have slipped up and been rude, controlling or complaining, I have promptly apologized for being disrespectful. I’ve also kept track of my thoughts and of my shortcomings in my journal. It has helped me to get clarity and avoid the same mistake next time. Not only does it turn me on to be somewhat subservient to him, it makes sense in that it eliminates all of our arguments. My temper will flare, but if I can let it pass, it really seems to have no residual effects. I was worried that resentment might build, but it doesn’t. It always felt so wrong to be so verbally abusive anyway, I just didn’t think I could control my resentment. Surrender. It just makes sense – and so far it’s working.
I’ve decided that thirteen years of trying to control his behavior has not been effective and since I am 100% his wife today, I will choose to be 100% in this marriage. This means that until the day that I should decide not to be in this marriage, I will surrender to him 100%. I agree with the writer who said that “It takes a strong woman to be submissive.” If I were not comfortable with and sure of who I am and what I think, then being dominated would both crush my spirit and make it difficult for others to respect me. I’m sure that my husband would not respect me or enjoy my company if I agreed with him and fussed over him all the time. He is attracted to my out-going personality, my intelligence and my confidence…or so he’s said. He wants me to have my own personality. Sometimes that’s a tough call – when am I submitting to his authority and can I do it completely without loosing myself? At any rate, it seems like a full circle because I gave up my identity for the attention of men 15 years ago, I was a groveling nobody with no personality of her own. Later I couldn’t even like men and thought that I was superior, then I thought we were equals but my husband somewhat intolerable, and today, I’m healthy and mature enough to be submissive and hold on to myself…I hope!
I’d really like to read posts from people who have not yet told their partners that they want a taken in hand relationship yet or from people who have only done so recently. Has anyone’s partner balked? Has anyone’s partner refused to participate? Have they thought that you were selling out? Were they happy to finally hear it? Was anyone sure that their partner would not be game and then been wrong? How about sure their partner would like the idea and then been wrong? Is anyone still afraid to speak up? Did anyone wait several months, trying to submit consistently, before asking to be taken in hand? Has anyone had second thoughts about having a taken in hand relationship? I’ve been reading many articles on takeninhand.com, but really not read much about this early part of the process.
Thanks for everyone’s posts. It’s helpful stuff on my road to surrender.